We Don’t Have All the Time in the World

re·gret

a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done (or has not happened or been done)

February 2015

So, this is how it feels. This is how it feels to lose somebody before you can ever get a grip of that person for the very last time.

If we can turn back time, would it make a difference if I kept us close just like we used to be? If you knew you are significant to somebody’s life, would it change your perspective? What if I was there in the last hours to listen like I used to? Now, I will never ever have a chance to be there again, to at least make up for the things I missed. What haunts me the most are those times I kept on setting things aside- I failed to keep you even as a friend. We went separate ways, the situation and timing are too difficult to stay the same. This is how it feels.

The least I can do now is to share to someone not to do the mistake that I did- to never take advantage of anyone who tries to be a part of your life. I was delaying so many things between us thinking it’s just always there. I learned the tragic way. What gets me through is our memories together- those long walks to random places, shared laughs, our songs, and serious talks, easily seeing through each other. Those eyes and smiles.

God never makes a mistake; never wastes a pain; and never does a thing without a purpose. This will all make perfect sense someday. I hope you look out for me now just like the old times. Rest easy, brother, no more worries.

I remember one time last year, my mother went home all weak, weeping. Did not have a bit of idea why she was, then she looked me in the eye and I saw pain I have never seen before. “I lost my best friend. I love him, anak.” That one scene never made a point until today. Maybe, she never stopped loving him in a different way. Maybe, she kept him a place in her heart. Maybe, I wordlessly do the same.

But, here we are now.
T’is how regret feels.

I lost.

Decaffeination

Ever since our little Kobe was born, which is three weeks ago from now, I made it a point to take a break from caffeine so long as I exclusively nurse a baby. During my pregnancy, I cautiously kept the routine of having a cup of coffee because skipping one would get me the worst of the withdrawal phase— and I didn’t want anything to add up to the pains of my imbalanced hormones. Gratefully after giving birth, without any dreaded withdrawal, my palate found its way back to a caffeine free drink (which I used to indulge in as a snack before) in replacement of my usual daily recharge— a cup of chocolate drink! I always loved this mix in cold, especially the one with marshmallows, and I have never imagined it to be my temporary morning starter one day. Sweet little surprises.

How amazing it feels to get through the things you once thought you couldn’t do. Maybe a little push is just what you needed.

A Blessing

I can listen to your racing heartbeats inside my womb all day, every single day.

Time flies. I still remember when your father and I had just gratefully announced you to our family and friends. Now, being able to hold you in our arms will just be a few weeks, or heck, days ahead.

I hope we get to raise you with love and grace, just like how we patiently wait to see your face. As you grow up, I pray that your faith in God strengthens, and so you’ll learn to trust His ways.

It’s been a while since the sun showed up with cheer. The bad weather’s almost gone, now it’s time to seize a morning like this.

Looking Back

The Start: A Year Ago From Now

A blog drafted 24th of April, 2015.

I think never before have I ever looked at someone right in the eye and think at the moment of my future with him. I have been into flings and some serious affairs but this time around, I can say, is the first time that I’ve hoped of settling down with a person. Maybe this is growing up? I remember asking God the last time that I broke down that the next guy that I’d meet would be His best, if He wills. I’ve waited and took my time for I wasn’t ready. My unreadiness had gone to a point that I didn’t believe in love anymore, well, not that high school kind of disbelief, so to speak. I lost faith in loving a special person, and so I got bitter for a long time. I willed to compose myself, to live by myself without needing somebody to cling on. I made time to make myself whole again, tried to get back to the old better version of myself without forgetting everything I learnt in the present. I realized I didn’t have to be hard on myself. Til then I claimed that there would be a guy who would make me believe in love again, that I’d wait, no matter what it takes.

It’s too soon to speak, but I guess he’s the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have yet a lot to discover in ourselves, with each other, but he’s the guy that I would accept for a lifetime. To me, imperfections make a person all the more worthy to be loved. I like that there’s something to unlike yet adjust to. I’m finally learning to give and take– letting him do his job and also making my turns. I’m learning to compromise. I haven’t fallen yet, but I feel a thump in my heart every time he’s around and even when he’s just in my head.

Changes

Your desires aren’t what you really wanted once your path clearly shows you’d end up there. A good mix of should have beens comes up and all your past wishes haunt you in your dreams– waking up badly hoping things could turn the other way around. You think to yourself, you never really wanted to go where you’re headed, no matter how damn decided you were before all else. Well, at least not right now.

It’s ironic how unhappy this post sounds, when I always thought all this was what I wanted. Ces’t la vie. I was young and thought selfishly of myself. I guess this is growing up. Well, it’s true what they say, be careful what you wish for. It’s too early for a new life.

I’m afraid, yes. Dream’s such a big word now that I feel like they’re about to vanish on thin air. And yes, I still put them ahead of me for all the sleepless nights and efforts I invested in them. Started from scratch and wrote and planned again, til I was sure the things I had jotted down were the things I was to go for. Now, am I too selfish for a real and long term commitment?

How amazing it feels to achieve our great dreams along with someone we love. So nice to think to tag them along, and get tagged along with theirs as well. That’s how partnership works to my unfamiliar senses. Is it selfish of me to feel unprepared for interferences? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with all the new things. And maybe this will definitely not be as bad as I think it would be right now, God-willing.

After all, I have the chance to set my mind and embrace the changes without letting go of my own dreams. Big changes in life doesn’t mean completely forgetting your individuality, does it? Well, that’s pretty convincing and sounds challenging. Committing is really one of those classic things I long accepted I’m not good at, but now is that time to be strong enough for this.

Destress: Summer at Six

So just before the sun rose earlier, I decided to charge up my old iPod and stream through a ton of music I’ve loaded there long since 2012. It was a cold dark morning when I got inspired to prepare a laidback music upon hearing Pentatonix’s Valentine play first on shuffle. It suddenly gave me the sunset by the beach vibe. Enjoy!

Destress: Gray Morning

Current favourite playlist! I find comfort in this set of chilly acoustic songs. Stream and enjoy. :)

Holes to Fill In

“So, what’s up with you and the guy you just dated last week?” “Listen, I’m now so sure about him… He’s the one!”

I got inspired to write by the Word I’ve heard from the mass last Sunday. It tells about the way you could attract the right person in your life– not the “jerks and jerkettes”. The preaching made me think about where I am right now, and deeply so of my risks and hardships all before this person that I am with now came into my life. I can’t be more grateful God has given me a man to whom my flaws and strengths would complement with. Well, going back to that short conversation up there, these are the typical lines that you would hear from gradeschoolers who swear they are in love (no offense!) to young adults who lock up their worlds to the new found man of their dreams. Looking back, you could even hear yourself saying the same things!

I don’t spare myself from the guilt for I have experienced this scene myself years ago. I was head over heels about some guy, really thought he’s the one I was long dreaming of. Nevermind the flaws, I examined everything about him and didn’t care about how vulnerable I was until after a short while, the truth was handed on a silver platter. The truth is I got cheated on. Well, nothing was official so there’s nothing like cheating. And so the bitterness got its toll on me.

I was angry, so angry, not just about him but mostly about myself for having a hard time moving on. Well, nothing was official so there’s nothing like moving on. (Didn’t I just say that? Oh, I already said that.) I’ve spent days, weeks, and months, trying to squeeze whatever there is to squeeze just for me to get the beauty in what I’ve experienced. You know what they say, there’s always a bright side of the story. Everything was vague until it was almost turning a year, when I could finally feel the enlightenment in me. I felt like I was freed from anger and ready to enjoy my life as it is. I finally felt the urge to embrace my own self and discover things that I have yet to discover in my God-given years, without needing another person to do it for me as I always did. And that was when I knew I was rebuilding myself all those times I thought I was fighting to my own destruction. When I felt all the emotions, mostly pain, the melancholy, asking what was wrong about me. I never knew I was rebuilding myself that time. I used to be so clingy; can’t live without somebody to lean on. Well, if it weren’t for all these, it wouldn’t have lead to filling in the holes I never thought I had. I told myself since then that I don’t need anyone else to complete me, because I already am.

You won’t make your world so small if you knew you can live a life that’s out in the sunshine, a life that’s absolutely better than a boxed one. You can be so sure about devoting your vows to a person but still be willing to seek self growth. Otherwise, risk that little chance you see or drop it all and make yourself whole on your own. Yes, on your own. Until you learn to love yourself, you will then attract a person who will need your love. Somebody just can sense it.

I’m leaving you a question to comprehend as you end this entry, “Are you really whole? Or d’you just need somebody to fill in your past holes?”