Changes

by Ernestine

Your desires aren’t what you really wanted once your path clearly shows you’d end up there. A good mix of should have beens comes up and all your past wishes haunt you in your dreams– waking up badly hoping things could turn the other way around. You think to yourself, you never really wanted to go where you’re headed, no matter how damn decided you were before all else. Well, at least not right now.

It’s ironic how unhappy this post sounds, when I always thought all this was what I wanted. Ces’t la vie. I was young and thought selfishly of myself. I guess this is growing up. Well, it’s true what they say, be careful what you wish for. It’s too early for a new life.

I’m afraid, yes. Dream’s such a big word now that I feel like they’re about to vanish on thin air. And yes, I still put them ahead of me for all the sleepless nights and efforts I invested in them. Started from scratch and wrote and planned again, til I was sure the things I had jotted down were the things I was to go for. Now, am I too selfish for a real and long term commitment?

How amazing it feels to achieve our great dreams along with someone we love. So nice to think to tag them along, and get tagged along with theirs as well. That’s how partnership works to my unfamiliar senses. Is it selfish of me to feel unprepared for interferences? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with all the new things. And maybe this will definitely not be as bad as I think it would be right now, God-willing.

After all, I have the chance to set my mind and embrace the changes without letting go of my own dreams. Big changes in life doesn’t mean completely forgetting your individuality, does it? Well, that’s pretty convincing and sounds challenging. Committing is really one of those classic things I long accepted I’m not good at, but now is that time to be strong enough for this.

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